


Silence is Deafening

by unsaltysaltines



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Blame the hiatus for this, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I really can't write anything else, I'm Sorry, Like…HURT, i'm not really sorry, post-finale angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 04:16:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16824958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaltysaltines/pseuds/unsaltysaltines
Summary: It doesn’t matter how long it takes. Waverly Earp has always been the only one for her, and Nicole will do whatever she can to make sure she knows she’s safe. That Nicole won’t let anything happen to her.They've brought Waverly back from the Garden, but Nicole isn't sure if things will ever be the same. No matter what, she's determined to show Waverly how much she means to her.





	Silence is Deafening

**Author's Note:**

> Hiatus! Great! How are we all holding up? 
> 
> School is kicking my ass, so this has taken me a while to finish, but I hope y'all enjoy and don't hate me too much afterward?

_I may be strong_  
_But I want you back again_  
_When you’re not here_  
_It’s hard to pretend_  
_It’s all alright_  
_Again_

* * *

It’s been months since Nicole’s gotten a good night’s rest; between keeping herself busy at work and keeping track of Wynonna, there hasn’t been much of a moment for her to stop and take care of herself.

Waverly’s been gone for months, and they still don’t have any leads. Nicole has been going out to the woods on her lunch break-- when she doesn’t have to go collect Wynonna from Shorty’s, that is. The bar isn’t even open, but that hasn’t stopped Wynonna from planting herself on a stool nearly every day and steadily drinking Doc’s backstock dry.

She knows Wynonna’s hurting, but Nicole won’t let her destroy herself the way she’s trying to. They’ve already lost Waverly, and Nicole can’t stand the thought of losing one more person.

Nicole goes home every night to a house that feels too quiet and too still. There are little reminders of Waverly everywhere; an item of clothing here, a book there. As much as it hurts her to look at, Nicole can’t bear to move any of it either, so she just leaves it the way it is.

As hard as it is to spend the nights alone in her house, the Earp homestead is worse because there, Waverly is everywhere. She’s in the art on the walls and the curtains in the windows and in every single throw pillow throughout the house. Neither of them can even enter Waverly’s room; Wynonna keeps the door closed so nobody has to look at it.

Nicole tries halfheartedly to rein in Wynonna’s drinking, but finds she doesn’t really have it in her. She almost envies the way Wynonna wears her grief and anger on her sleeve, wielding it like a shield.

***

A haggard-looking Jeremy stumbles into the station one afternoon with one more obscure ritual they can try.

He’s been working himself to the brink of exhaustion trying to help and no matter how many times Nicole’s told him that none of this is his fault, she knows that a part of him feels responsible for what happened to his friends.

They find themselves back in the clearing one more time, the last shred of hope hanging in the summer air. The stairs never disappeared, but the barrier around them didn’t disappear either. Nicole has spent hours and hours on end just staring at the strange formation, wondering what could possibly be happening to Waverly on the other side.

Nicole initially stands back while Jeremy and Wynonna prepare for the complex ritual. Jeremy’s trying to decipher the text, mumbling about how he wishes Waverly were here to help.

“Me too, Jer,” Nicole says quietly to herself more than Jeremy. She feels completely useless standing on the outskirts once again, but she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to help.

“So, what exactly are we trying to do here?” Nicole asks, taking a tentative step forward towards Wynonna.

“So if I understood Jer-Bear over here,” Wynonna says, jerking her thumb towards Jeremy, who rolls his eyes at the nickname, “the goal of this spell is to… _trick_ the Garden? Did I get that?”

“Basically, it’s supposed to fool the Garden into thinking Doc and Waves are somehow toxic to it and…expel them, I guess? Or at least break its hold on them long enough for us to get them out.”

“Okay…” Nicole says slowly. “So what do I need to do?” She looks at Wynonna, whose piercing eyes are clouded with grief. “Wynonna,” Nicole says firmly, “This time…it’s gonna work.” She wraps her arms around Wynonna and tries to cling to that last shred of hope, for the both of them.

“I don’t think I can take another failure,” Wynonna says quietly into Nicole’s chest.

“Then we won’t fail.”

***

When Doc stumbles out of the garden in a roar of light and sound, Nicole feels her knees go weak as though she’s about to pass out.

He looks significantly worse for wear, and Nicole notices he’s carrying Waverly’s limp form in his arms. She rushes for the stairs, only to be stopped by Wynonna’s hand on her collar.

“ _Don’t!_ ” She roars, yanking Nicole away from the stairs. “It’ll take you instead!”

“I got her,” Nicole says, positioning herself instead close to the bottom of the stone steps so she can relieve Doc.

“Baby…” Nicole breathes as she takes stock of Waverly’s limp form. “Baby please…”

She’s too light. Her breathing is laboured and shallow as Nicole takes a couple steps and sets her down in the soft grass of the clearing. Before they go anywhere, she needs to make sure her girlfriend-- _fiancé?_ \-- is okay. Nicole can’t assess her condition by looking at her, but she’s sure it isn’t good.

Nicole rests two fingers on the pulse point at Waverly’s neck and finds a rhythm. It’s not strong, but it’s there. Her clothes are covered in dirt, even ripped in places, and she’s covered in scrapes and bruises, some of which look pretty nasty.

Whatever was in there, clearly it gave them both quite a fight. Nicole looks over at Doc, who’s simultaneously being examined and reamed out by Wynonna. It looks like she doesn’t know whether to kiss him silly or finish him off with her bare hands.

“Waverly…” Doc’s voice rasps, interrupting Wynonna’s tirade. He makes his way, with Wynonna’s assistance, to where Nicole’s kneeling beside the younger Earp. “She has not been well.”

“Nicole.” Wynonna’s voice breaks. “Is she…”

“She’s alive,” Nicole says quietly, and Wynonna drops to her knees beside her sister.

Waverly’s hand twitches in Nicole’s. Her eyes flutter open for just a moment, and she weakly squeezes Nicole’s fingers.

“Wynonna, my place is closer than the homestead.” Nicole says. She looks up at Wynonna, hoping she understands how dire the situation is. “She needs to get out of the sun like, _now_.”

“Let’s go.”

***

Waverly barely regains consciousness by the time they reach Nicole’s. Wynonna helps her out of the back of Nicole’s cruiser, and Waverly tries taking a couple steps before her knees start to give out. Nicole sees Waverly start to stumble and scoops her up, the lightness of her body still deeply unsettling.

Nicole presses a gentle kiss to the top of Waverly’s head as they cross the threshold of her house.

“Baby, let’s go upstairs and get you out of these clothes, okay?” Nicole says quietly, so only Waverly can hear.

Waverly sits on the edge of Nicole’s bed silently, hazel eyes unfocused as Nicole finds pajamas for her to wear. She helps Waverly out of her tattered clothes and notices several particularly nasty scrapes on Waverly’s upper body. None look like they need stitches, thankfully, but they still need attention.

“Can I take care of these?” Nicole asks, trailing her fingers over the injured areas but being careful not to hurt Waverly. Waverly nods just slightly, and Nicole’s heart twists as she notices the slightly glazed look in Waverly’s eyes.

Nicole sighs with relief when she sees that she remembered to restock her first aid kit with gauze and medical tape. She cleans the worst of Waverly’s wounds as gently as she can with a hot washcloth, apologising profusely when Waverly flinches at the sting.

“I know, baby. I know it hurts,” Nicole murmurs as she examines a half-healed gash on Waverly’s shoulder. She dabs antibiotic ointment where she deems it necessary and bandages them up as quickly as possible before helping Waverly pull a tank top over her head.

“Be right back,” she says.

“How is she?” Wynonna asks, jumping up from her seat in the living room as Nicole comes downstairs. Nicole notices Doc’s sleeping form sprawled on the couch, and she can hear Jeremy and Robin talking quietly in the kitchen.

“I mean, she’s _okay_ ,” Nicole says. “I cleaned some of her injuries up a little and got her into some different clothes. I think I even have a blood pressure cuff and a stethoscope lying around here somewhere…”

“Of _course_ you do.”

Nicole ignores the snarky comment, knowing it’s Wynonna’s default coping mechanism coming out. Once she finds the medical equipment she’d stashed in the downstairs bathroom, Nicole fills the water bottle that’s been sitting on her kitchen counter since the last time Waverly was at the house.

Ironically enough, losing Waverly and Doc has managed to bring everyone closer together. Now that they’re back together and the curse is broken, they can all start to heal. She thanks Jeremy profusely for his help and embraces both him and Robin, overwhelmed with emotion.

As Nicole walks back out into the living room, Wynonna’s voice stops her.

“Has she…said anything?”

Nicole shakes her head. “Doc?”

“Nothing more than what he said in the woods.”

Nicole sighs. “They’ll talk when they’re ready. I’m gonna go lie down with Waverly, maybe get some sleep. You should too, Earp-- you look like shit.”

Back in her bedroom, Nicole changes quickly into sweatpants and sits beside Waverly on the bed, handing her the metal water bottle covered in brightly coloured stickers. She’s able to get a better idea of Waverly’s vitals, and they’re exactly as unsettling as Nicole had anticipated.

Nicole grabs one of the throw blankets neatly folded at the foot of her bed and spreads it out over both of them. They both stretch out on the bed, and Nicole wraps her body gingerly around Waverly’s, with her arm draped over Waverly’s midsection. It almost feels like any other lazy summer afternoon.

Waverly laces her fingers through Nicole’s Waverly’s breathing deepens as she falls asleep, and Nicole lies beside her not believing it’s really happening.

As exhausted as her body feels, Nicole’s mind won’t let her fall asleep. Her fingers come to rest on the inside of Waverly’s wrist, and she can feel Waverly’s heart beating under her fingers.

The pulse there is still weak, and Waverly’s breathing is still laboured. She could slip away right under Nicole’s fingers, and that realization keeps Nicole from allowing herself to fall properly asleep.

***

When Waverly wakes up, Nicole feels relief wash over her body.

_She’s still here_.

“Baby?” Nicole begins tentatively. Waverly doesn’t answer, but instead squeezes her hand weakly. “Let’s get you in the shower, okay?”

The bathroom is only a few feet from Nicole’s bedroom, but Waverly still relies on Nicole to support a significant amount of her weight.

Nicole helps Waverly out of her borrowed clothes, and sheds her own before stepping into the hot stream of the shower behind her.

Once Nicole pulls the shower curtain closed behind her, Waverly turns and wraps her arms around Nicole’s waist, pulling their bodies flush as the water cascades over them. After a few minutes, Waverly’s body starts quivering in Nicole’s arms, like she might be about to collapse. Nicole tilts her head back so she can look into Waverly’s eyes.

The hazel eyes that are usually sparkling with life and light are dull and clouded with such profound pain that it makes Nicole’s heart physically ache.

“Baby, do you need to sit down?” Nicole asks quietly. She curses herself for not running a bath instead.

Waverly shakes her head, and Nicole feels her tears slide over her skin, mixing with the hot water of the shower.

“I’ve got you, Waves.”

Waverly keeps a death grip around Nicole’s waist as Nicole untangles the worn hair ties holding her long hair away from her face. She works the honey-brown locks loose, occasionally drawing sharp inhales from Waverly when she hits a particularly gnarly knot.

Waverly’s hair is her pride and joy, and Nicole tries to be as gentle as possible. She lathers Waverly’s hair with shampoo, and watches as months of dirt and grime gradually get rinsed down the drain.

“Close your eyes for me,” Nicole says quietly. She tilts Waverly’s head back slightly so she can rinse the suds from her hair. Waverly doesn’t let go of her waist, but despite the awkward position Nicole is able to finish rinsing and conditions her hair the way Waverly likes it.

“Almost done.” Nicole murmurs. “Baby, your hair _grew,_ ” she adds with a wink, desperate to catch even the slightest glimpse of her Waverly. Nicole finishes quickly, not wanting to drain Waverly’s strength further.

Wrapping them both in thick towels, Nicole helps Waverly back to the bedroom, where she nearly collapses on the bed, and Nicole feels even worse for keeping her standing for so long.

She looks like she could shatter at the slightest touch. Waverly’s always been small, but she’s lost a lot of her muscle, and the bony outlines of her ribs and shoulder blades are sharply defined beneath her skin. While Waverly puts on the shorts she discarded earlier, Nicole finds the sweatshirt she knows is Waverly’s favourite. She helps Waverly pull the sweatshirt over her head, dropping a quick kiss on the tip of Waverly’s nose when her head reappears from its depths.

Waverly still doesn’t-- _can’t?_ \--speak, but even the half-smile she gives Nicole is enough to make her heart jump. Waverly’s teeth chatter slightly as a huge shiver visibly runs through her body, and Nicole grabs the throw blanket from the foot of her bed and wraps it around Waverly while she changes back into her own sweats.

Nicole sits up with her back against the headboard, and pulls Waverly close so she’s sitting between Nicole’s legs. Nicole scoops some of the conditioner out of the little black pot Waverly keeps on Nicole’s dresser, and she gently runs it through Waverly’s long hair the same way she’s watched her do it a thousand times before.

Waverly relaxes a little as Nicole combs out the remaining knots in her hair, humming absentmindedly as she does it. She has a thousand questions for Waverly, but she bites her tongue to keep herself from overwhelming the other woman.

Instead, she fills Waverly in on the little things she’s missed while she ties her hair back in a loose braid.

Once Waverly’s made herself comfortable under the covers (plus a bonus blanket), Nicole goes back downstairs to feed Calamity Jane, and sees that Wynonna and Doc are gone.

“Wynonna just took off,” Jeremy says, startling Nicole. He’s slumped over at the kitchen table with Robin standing behind him, massaging his shoulders. “She said something about not being able to stay here…I don’t know.” He shrugs. “And Doc was looking a little…uh… _hungry_.”

Nicole wrinkles her nose at the implication.

“How’s Waverly?” Robin asks. His eyes look red, and Nicole remembers with a jolt that while she’s only known him for a few months, he’s no outsider here.

Nicole just shrugs, a sense of defeat starting to settle on her shoulders. She sits down at the kitchen table across from Jeremy and sighs. “I think she’s in a lot of pain. Plus, she’s obviously exhausted and malnourished-- I mean, she can hardly keep herself upright.”

“You _think_ …?” Robin’s forehead furrows in confusion.

“I don’t know what happened to her…she hasn’t said anything to me. To any of us. I don’t know if she can.”

A shuddering sob escapes Nicole’s body. She buries her face in her hands and she falls apart for the first time in a long time. Nicole’s spent so much time making sure that Wynonna has a friend other than whiskey to turn to for comfort, and everything she’s been bottling up spills out.

They have Waverly back, but Nicole doesn’t know if she’ll ever be the same. There’s too much uncertainty; she doesn’t know what happened to Waverly, or if she’ll even ever even be able to tell her.

Before she knows it she’s being embraced on either side by Jeremy and Robin.

Jeremy and Robin, who have become her family too.

“She’ll be okay,” Robin says, trying to convey a sense of hope for all of them.

Jeremy puts the kettle on and makes them all tea, and they settle in the living room, exhausted. He informs Nicole that there’s vegan takeout from Waverly’s favourite restaurant in the fridge, and that there’s non-vegan food in the fridge for Nicole as well.

“Chetri, if we weren’t both such big homos I’d kiss you right now,” Nicole says with a laugh.

The scream is so sudden that Nicole almost drops her mug.

Nicole bolts from the couch and takes the stairs two at a time, terrified of what she might find waiting.

Waverly is tangled up in the sheets, still asleep, and screaming as though she’s being tortured.

The first sound Nicole has heard from her in months, and it’s like a knife in her heart.

Nicole manages to yank the blankets off of her, and her screams quiet into frightened whimpers. As her movements grow less violent and panicked, Waverly comes to rest curled up on her side in a tight ball.

It’s a little awkward, but Nicole kneels down on the bed beside Waverly and gently reaches for her girlfriend, not wanting to startle her.

“Waverly!” Nicole exclaims. “Baby you need to _wake up_!”

Waverly’s eyes snap open, wide with fear, and her body goes rigid like she’s about to take off running.

_She thinks she’s still there._

“Waves!” Nicole exclaims, grabbing her firmly by the bicep to snap her out of it. “ _Breathe_.”

She helps Waverly sit up and takes her into her arms. This time, Waverly curls up much like she did after being tormented by Jolene, seeking protection in Nicole’s arms.

“I’ve got you.”

It doesn’t matter how long it takes. Waverly Earp has always been the only one for her, and Nicole will do whatever she can to make sure she knows she’s safe. That Nicole won’t let anything happen to her.

***

Nicole thinks things will get better after the first few days, but her heart breaks a little more every day they go without anything from Waverly.

The only thing that really reassures Nicole that her girlfriend is still herself at all is the fact that she still wants Nicole to touch her-- possibly even more so than before. Whether just resting her fingers on Nicole’s stomach in bed at night or threading her fingers through Nicole’s tightly, whenever they’re in the same room, Waverly finds a way to somehow be close to or touching Nicole. She holds onto Nicole a little tighter when she does, like she needs someone to ground her.

Not that Nicole minds-- she would happily walk around with Waverly attached at her hip if it meant they’d never have to be forced apart again. Sometimes, when she’s up reading late at night, Nicole just lets her eyes skim over every inch of Waverly’s sleeping form.

It’s the only time she ever looks at peace, like the person she was before. Sometimes, Nicole even thinks she sees the ghost of a smile play at the corners of her mouth while she sleeps. It almost feels like they’re back to normal.

But during the day, things couldn’t be more different. Waverly’s usually voracious appetite has all but disappeared, and Nicole has a hard time getting her to even finish a meal now. Most days, Nicole can coax Waverly out of bed with some effort, but there are still days where it’s like she just shuts down completely.

Nicole desperately wishes she could do more, but she knows that it’ll take time. So in the meantime, Nicole just makes sure she’s there. She tends to Waverly’s injuries with gentle hands, her first aid training coming in handy, and even though Waverly is barely responsive Nicole feels her relax just slightly under her hands. When she turns out the lights to go to bed, Nicole wraps her body around Waverly’s protectively, and many nights she feels Waverly press her body a little closer in response, seeking reassurance that Nicole’s really there.

***

Wynonna comes by to see her sister every day and even though she tries to hide it, Nicole sees the desperation and frustration with the lack of answers in her face grow with each passing day.

“I don’t _get_ it!” Wynonna exclaims one afternoon. “”What could have _happened_ to her?!”

They’re on Nicole’s front porch looking out at the street, rather than at each other. Wynonna’s leaning against the railing, her back turned fully to Nicole. Nicole hugs one of her knees close to her on the porch swing and rocks herself back and forth gently with her other foot.

“Wynonna…” Nicole sighs. “We can’t…I know it’s frustrating, but-”

“Doc won’t talk to me either,” Wynonna says, her voice soft. Her shoulders slump as she massages her temples. “But at least he’s been…I don’t know, _doing_ stuff?”

Nicole nods in understanding. She pauses to search for the right words to explain the theory that’s been rattling around in her head.

“I think…that maybe whatever happened in the Garden…it might have affected Waverly more than Doc because even though she’s Julian’s heir-”

“She’s still half-human.”

“Exactly.” Nicole’s voice breaks, and she tries to cover it with a cough. “Whatever happened to her in there…I think it broke her.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.”

Nicole looks over and sees tears threatening to overflow from Wynonna’s eyes as well.

“I promised I’d never let anything happen to her,” Wynonna says, her voice thick. “And I failed.”

“You didn’t _fail_ , Earp.”

“That’s not my baby sister in there!” Wynonna snaps in response, whirling to face Nicole. “And you can’t deny it either!

“Whoa, Wynonna, wha-”

“Waverly went _into_ the Garden, but _that_ -” Wynonna gestures vaguely at the house behind her “-that’s not Waverly who came out! I let this happen to her; I didn’t _protect_ her!”

Wynonna sinks down beside Nicole on the porch swing and buries her face in her hands.

“I know it’s frustrating, but she needs us now more than ever.”

“How can you be so _sure_?” Wynonna snaps, looking up at Nicole with daggers in her eyes. Nicole raises her eyebrows, taken aback.

“Do you _want_ me to continue?”

At Nicole’s look, Wynonna rolls her eyes. “Sorry,” she grumbles.

“Look, Wynonna,” Nicole sighs. “When I was a kid-”

“-after the Cult of Bulshar?”

Nicole nods, forgiving the interruption. “I don’t remember much about the attack, but I remember going home after.” Nicole pauses, struggling for the right words. “I remember my parents trying _so hard_ to make me talk to them, to eat regular meals, _anything_ , but I must have been traumatised enough that…yeah, thought that might sound a little familiar.” Nicole adds, seeing the realisation dawn on Wynonna’s face.

“ _No one_ bothered to try and understand what I’d been through, and it’s not like my parents cared anyway. And that was just _one night_ , Wynonna. I can’t even imagine what Waverly’s gone through…”

Her voice trails off, and Wynonna looks over at her friend. She sees the pain of what Nicole’s recounting clearly etched on her face; she’s anxiously twisting and untwisting the hem of her sweatshirt as she talks, and she keeps her eyes focused straight ahead.

“I’m trying to help her the way I wish someone would have helped me,” Nicole says quietly. She shrugs and looks down at her hands in her lap. While she’s always remembered the _aftermath_ of the supposed-wildfire, finally putting it into context with the Cult massacre feels deeply unsettling.

And knowing Waverly’s experiencing it even worse makes Nicole wish she could somehow absorb some of the hurt for her.

A few moments of silence pass between them while Wynonna collects her thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Haught stuff,” Wynonna says sheepishly. She reaches a hand out and pries one of Nicole’s loose from her sweatshirt. “I shouldn’t have snapped like that.” She squeezes Nicole’s fingers gently in a rare show of affection, and Nicole relaxes slightly.

“It’s okay,” Nicole says, smiling at her use of the nickname. “There’s no way you could have guessed that. It’s not exactly something I want everyone to _know_ , but…”

“But you get it.”

“But I get it.” Nicole repeats.

“I guess I keep forgetting that you’re about as fucked up as any of us, even in spite of that goody-two-shoes vibe you give off. And I know I give you a lot of shit-”

“A _lot._ ”

“- _even though_ I give you all that shit, I know how much you care about her. It’s pretty annoying, actually.”

Nicole laughs out loud as Wynonna rolls her eyes.

“I really should get going.” Wynonna says with a sigh. “It’s getting late.”

“You don’t have to leave yet, you know. I’m ordering from that pizza place that does vegan pizza, and I’m sure Waves wouldn’t be mad. It’s not like you haven’t crashed here a thousand times before.”

Nicole doesn’t need to ask twice, and two hours later they’re all sitting in front of a reality TV marathon. Wynonna’s sprawled out in her favourite armchair, deep into her third drink and entirely more entertained by the episode of _Four Weddings_ than Nicole would ever have expected.

Nicole balances her plate on the armrest so she can eat with one hand and absentmindedly play with Waverly’s hair with the other. Her hair has grown a good several inches, and it’s regained some of its shine in the weeks she’s been home. Nicole often finds herself just staring at Waverly as though she’s trying to make up for lost time, which she supposes she is.

Waverly is sitting beside her with her legs crossed and one hand resting on Nicole’s thigh. When Wynonna gets up to go to the bathroom, Nicole looks over and sees that Waverly’s hardly touched her food.

“Baby, you’ve gotta eat,” Nicole murmurs. She threads her fingers through Waverly’s and kisses the back of her hand gently. “I know you don’t want to…”

Even though she’s gotten back some of her strength, she still isn’t eating unless Nicole prods her to. Nicole is tired of it, not because she doesn’t love Waverly, but rather because it’s all she can do and it’s still not enough.

Wynonna flops back down in her armchair and announces they’re all watching a movie together, no excuses. Waverly sets her plate on the coffee table and tucks herself into Nicole’s side.

Wynonna passes out halfway through _Ghostbusters_ , wrapped up tight in a blanket with her feet dangling over the armrest. Nicole laughs quietly at the sight and looks down at Waverly, who’s also dozing beside her.

“Baby,” Nicole whispers, nudging Waverly gently. Waverly stirs and looks up at Nicole with bleary eyes. “Let’s go upstairs and go to bed, okay?”

***

After several more bouts of violent nightmares, Nicole removed the flat sheet from her bed. She’d mentioned the nightmares to Wynonna, who casually mentioned how exactly Waverly was taken into the Garden and _maybe_ that was why she was getting distressed-- the tangled sheets were reminding her of the vines wrapped around her body. Since then, Waverly has been sleeping better, but still wakes up nearly every night with nightmares.

Nicole still gets anxious about sleeping while Waverly sleeps; even though she’s recovering, Nicole hasn’t gotten over the fear of that first night, when she thought she could lose Waverly at any moment.

One night, Waverly wakes up weeping beside Nicole, quivering with terror. It hurts Nicole even worse than when she’s woken up screaming.

“Baby…please…” Nicole pleads, close to tears herself, “Let me help you…”

Waverly grips Nicole’s hand so tight she feels like it might break. Her breathing is shallow, and Nicole thinks she might be having a panic attack.

“Breathe, Waves…deep breaths…”

Nicole repeats herself in a gentle voice, breathing in sync with Waverly until she feels her chest start to rise and fall in a more even pattern in her embrace.

“Baby, you’re safe with me,” Nicole murmurs into the crook of Waverly’s neck. “If you can…you can tell me.”

Nicole can’t make out much in the moonlight flooding the bedroom, but she can feel Waverly’s gaze burning with intensity when she rolls over to look at Nicole. She tangles her fingers in Nicole’s hair and pulls her in for a kiss.

She hasn’t kissed Waverly properly in so long, and Nicole had almost forgotten how sweet Waverly’s lips tasted. Her own tears begin to fall, mixing with Waverly’s, and she holds the smaller woman as close as she can.

“I’m sorry.”

Waverly’s voice cracks slightly, a consequence of the lack of use.

“Oh, _Waves_ …” Nicole chokes out, a relieved sob escaping her. Waverly buries her face in Nicole’s chest “Don’t apologize. _Please_ don’t.”

“It’s too much.” Waverly sobs. “Everything…I feel _empty_.”

“It’s okay,” Nicole murmurs. “It must have been hard.”

“I wanted to tell you everything, I swear…but I couldn’t.”

“It’s okay.” Nicole says. “Really.”

“No, it’s not!” Waverly exclaims, her voice still hoarse. “I shut you out for _weeks!_ ”

“Baby…we don’t get to decide how we cope,” Nicole says quietly, bringing Waverly’s lips to hers for another gentle kiss. “I’m just glad you came back to me at all. I promise, we would have found a way to make it work.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever be able to…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Nicole says. “ _Really_. And you don’t have to immediately start processing everything just because you’ve found your voice again.”

Waverly moves even closer to Nicole, pressing their bodies flush. She wraps her arms around Nicole’s waist so her head is nestled beneath Nicole’s chin. Nicole runs her fingers through Waverly’s hair slowly, gently scratching at her scalp in an attempt to comfort her.

“I’m sorry,” Waverly repeats, her voice not much louder than a whisper.

“ _Waverly_.”

Nicole’s incredulous tone causes Waverly to look up. “I am not letting you apologize for this.” She kisses Waverly again, quickly this time. “I don’t care how long it takes, okay? You’re still healing.”

“I don’t know how long it’ll take,” Waverly says quietly. “I don’t know if I’ll ever feel normal again.”

They lay there for a minute while Nicole rubs Waverly’s back and tries to come up with the right words to say.

“At this point, Waves, I’m not even sure I know what ‘normal’ means anymore. _Especially_ now. So I guess…we’ll just deal with whatever our new normal is. Okay?”

Waverly is quiet for a moment before nodding in agreement.

“I’m just glad you’re safe,” Nicole says, her voice raw. “I know I’ve been saying it over and over but…” her voice trails off.

Waverly unwinds one of her hands and trails her fingers gently down Nicole’s cheek. Nicole can’t really see her face in the low light, but she can feel Waverly’s intense gaze.

“Every time you told me…” Waverly begins, unsure how to verbalize it the way she wants to, “Just hearing it from _you_ , I don’t know…it was like a little part of me came back. I felt like I was a little closer to finding my voice again.”

Waverly’s voice is still shaky and raspy around the edges, but Nicole catches a glimpse of _her_ Waverly underneath it.

Nicole isn’t able to fall asleep again, and she can tell Waverly can’t either. She’s restless in Nicole’s arms, and when Nicole tries to let her roll away she doesn’t want to let go of her hands. Nicole suggests they go downstairs, and Waverly wraps herself in a blanket before following Nicole to the living room.

The sun is coming up and the early morning sunlight is starting to illuminate the living room. Nicole pauses at the foot of the stairs and turns around to get a good look at Waverly, who stops a couple steps behind her.

Tears spring to Nicole’s eyes again as she looks at the shorter woman, and Waverly wraps her arms around Nicole’s neck, blanket and all.

“Hey,” Nicole murmurs, looking into the hazel eyes that have been full of so much pain. It’s fleeting, but searching Waverly’s eyes now, Nicole sees a flicker of hope pass over them. There’s still healing to be done, but she’ll take what she can get.

**Author's Note:**

> Per usual, thanks to [Blankagenda](http://twitter.com/blankagenda) for letting me bug them incessantly about all sorts of little things!
> 
> If you'd like, feel free to come yell at me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/unsaltysaltines) or [Tumblr](http://sheriff-haughtpants.tumblr.com)! I'm always yelling about something so the more the merrier!
> 
> Lyrics at the beginning are from a DMB song appropriately titled, "[Angel.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymt5pg1tGUk)" I have zero shame.


End file.
